Funny religion

The following appeared in the Jan/Feb edition of Humanism Ireland.

Humanism lite

A Catholic elementary school test.

Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in.

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.

Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

Sampson slayed the philistines with axe of the apostles.

Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert afterwards. Then Moses went up to mount cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.

The first Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

The 7th Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.

Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 procupines.

When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed the lord were called the ten decibels.

The Epistels were the wives of the Apostles.

One of the Oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marriage.

Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.