In the event of a terrorist attack…in Ireland


By Anthony Sheridan

Following recent terrorist attacks in the UK there has been a great deal of discussion about how prepared Irish security agencies are in the event of a similar attack here.

Here’s what will happen in the event of an attack.

Police Commissioner Noreen O’Sullivan will immediately declare that the attack is a legacy issue as it occurred in the past and, as she is operating in the present, it has absolutely nothing to do with her. However, she will reassure everybody that as soon as she finds her phone she’ll report the matter…to somebody.

Taoiseach in waiting Leo Varadkar will courageously take time out from planning his latest strategy to bring welfare cheats to justice to express full confidence in O’Sullivan’s determination to continue monitoring the activities of Sinn Fein and water protesters.

The establishment media will suspend their propaganda campaigns against Sinn Fein and left wing parties and engage in a massive talk-in among themselves on how best to ignore the new reality and return to their comfortable bubble of irrelevant self-importance.

The Government will appoint an exhumed judge, all retired judges being currently busy, to conduct a tribunal of inquiry into the attack and thereafter refuse to answer any questions in case it would prejudice the outcome.

The Government Press Office will issue a statement expressing confidence that the Garda Rapid Response Unit will arrive at the scene before the tribunal issues its final report.