Titanic captain: Don't worry, all is well

The captain of Titanic (Ireland) made a statement yesterday claiming that while the company had made some mistakes the collision with the iceberg had nothing to do with him.

The captain and his officers continue to assure passengers that the damage, while serious, is under control and therefore steerage passengers shouldn’t worry that the limited number of lifeboats have already been filled with bankers, property developers and politicians.

The ship, they insist, is not sinking and therefore ordinary passengers shouldn’t be concerned about the possibility of ending up swimming for their lives in the frozen waters of the dead Irish economy.

The captain’s reassuring statement is backed up by his advisory group, Goodbody Stockbrokers, who (coincidently) report that the pumps have successfully stemmed the flooding waters and that the ship will safely reach port sometime in 2011.

A Goodbody spokesman said that no significance whatsoever should be attached to the fact that his company’s statement was issued from the captain’s lifeboat.